Build Me Up, Raze Me Down
by Elfens
Summary: "Then I awoke, and the fantasy we had so carefully built was abruptly razed to the ground." [Fenris and Hawke finally admit and act upon their mutual desire, but at the end of that fateful night, Fenris walks out. What really happened from the first moment they kissed to the final moment when he left? Special guest appearance by Varric.]


**First time posting here, but have enjoyed reading all the wonderful Dragon Age fics for some time. Usual disclaimer here: Dragon Age/Dragon Age 2 are the property of BioWare. I only take the characters out for fun once in awhile. Save for Eleri, who started out as F!Hawke in chargen before taking on a life of her own.**

**The following is my take on the first time Hawke and Fenris spend the night together, and what might have happened from that first kiss in the foyer until Fenris walks out.**

**Enjoy!**

**~Elfens**

* * *

"Command me, and I shall go," Fenris declared as he continued to pace back and forth in my foyer, refusing to meet my gaze. His deep voice was a bit ragged. I wondered if he'd run all the way from his mansion to mine.

That raw, nervous energy of his, along with those few words heavy with meaning, made my heart speed up and my breath catch traitorously in my throat. Almost afraid to speak, I finally managed to quip, with what I hoped was a light, nonchalant tone, "Did I say anything?"

I saw the tension briefly ease from his features a moment before he was suddenly kissing me. It was more a hard mashing of his mouth on mine than any kind of tender embrace. But yet, there was so much restrained passion there. I could feel, in that clashing of lips and teeth, the conflict of rage and hope within Fenris.

I eagerly responded, how could I not? I openly admired this man, flirted with him, and made it perfectly clear that I wanted him when he'd tentatively expressed his interest in me. My lips parted beneath his, my tongue darted out, pushed into his mouth when he gasped, and tangled with his own. Surprised, Fenris pulled back and I used that moment to seize him by the shoulders. I swung him around and pushed him up against the wall before I took control of the kiss.

And Fenris let me.

My blood sang in my veins. I felt immensely powerful, thinking that a man such as Fenris would submit to me. It was then that I started to doubt what was happening. Was Fenris submitting to me because he truly wanted me or because that part of him, the part that had been a slave for so long, told him he had no other choice?

"Tell me you want this, want me," I murmured as my lips ghosted over his ear, kissing along the tapered point. Fenris sucked in a noisy breath and my lips curled in a devious smile. I knew how sensitive an elf's ears were.

In answer, Fenris clutched me tightly against him, his arousal evident even through the thick leather of his armor. "Venhedis, woman! Why are you asking me to speak the obvious? Of course I want you. I would not be here otherwise," he growled.

I couldn't help the throaty laughter that escaped as I leaned back in Fenris' arms, studying his face. He scowled at me, and I had to wonder why I doubted, even for a moment, that this man was here for any other reason than his own wants and desires.

"You enjoy laughing at me far too much," he sulkily pointed out. This was, as we both knew, entirely true. I kissed him slowly, begging his forgiveness with my lips. The embrace quickly became heated again. This time I was the one pushed up against the wall as Fenris ravished my lips with his mouth before moving along the side of my neck. I softly moaned my approval. If this continued, we were going to scandalize my mother when she came home from shopping.

"We should, uh, take this upstairs to my bedroom," I breathlessly suggested, pleasantly surprised that I could manage to form coherent words. When he didn't immediately stop, I added, "My mother is due home soon." Ah yes, that did get his attention. Taking his hand, I led him from the foyer through the living room, up the stairs, and into my room. I closed and locked the door then gave him my full attention again.

Fenris gazed about the room almost curiously. I stroked my free hand down his arm, careful not to touch his lyrium markings too much. He turned his gaze back to me, and I gently tugged him toward the bed. Letting go of his hand, I slowly started to undress, hoping Fenris wouldn't notice the way my fingers trembled. He silently stood there, staring at me as I braced myself against one bed post and removed each of my boots. Next I unhooked my skirt, letting it fall into a pool around my feet. I kept my gaze on his, watching how his breathing hitched when my burgundy silk tunic fell open once I had removed the belt holding it closed. I let it slide from my shoulders, dropping to the floor, leaving me only in my small clothes.

Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I reached behind my back and undid the hooks that held my breast band in place. That too joined the rest of my clothing, quickly followed by my underwear. Fenris blinked. I saw hints of color rise in his cheeks, but he didn't look away as I stood completely naked in front of him. Neither did he move.

"Hmm, I think you might be overdressed now," I quipped, closing the distance between us and placing my hands on his breastplate. "I'm guessing this can't be any more complicated to remove than my own armor. Now where are the buckles, I wonder?"

"Here," Fenris answered, lifting each arm to reveal the spots where his breastplate attached to the armor below it. Assuming that meant I had permission, I undid each buckle, lifting away the metal protection and setting it down in one of the chairs. Next, I freed each of Fenris' hands from its respective gauntlet, setting those aside. The lines of lyrium that swirled over his skin, always softly glowing, fascinated me. I wanted to touch, but as I wasn't sure yet if he would let me, I continued removing his armor.

The spiky pauldrons were next, pulled away from shoulders – why had I never noticed how beautiful his shoulders were – and carefully draped over the back of the chair. Fenris continued to watch me, a slight smile on his lips. The toggles on his sleeveless tunic were easiest by far, and I enjoyed plucking each one open to reveal muscled skin and more lyrium markings beneath.

"Dear Maker, you are beautiful," I breathed, not realizing at first that I had spoken aloud until Fenris replied, a hint of deep sadness in his voice, "No, I am not."

Shaking my head, I met Fenris' gaze. "Have I ever lied to you, Fenris?"

"No, but…" I silenced him with the press of my finger against his lips. "Then hush and let me admire how lovely you are. Or am I bruising your manly ego by calling you beautiful instead of handsome?"

Fenris frowned back at me, unsure exactly how much I was teasing him. "That is not what I meant, which I suspect you already know, Hawke."

"Eleri," I murmured as I eased the tunic from his shoulders and down each arm, depositing it with the other pieces of his armor.

"What?" Fenris questioned, clearly confused.

I returned to standing in front on him, one hand resting on the waist of his leather pants, toying with the ties holding them closed. I couldn't help myself as my other hand strayed lower, palm skimming the bulge in front. His soft gasp was my reward.

"It's my name," I finally answered.

Fenris' furrowed his brow, and I had the urge to soothe away the wrinkles it caused with a kiss. "Hawke is your name," he stated.

I laughed lightly. "Hawke is my family name. True, it's the name I am most known by, but if we're going to be doing what I very much hope we're going to be doing – soon—then I would like you to call me by my given name."

"Eleri," Fenris repeated, and the sound of my first name being spoken from his lips, soft and silky, made me shiver in delight.

"Um, yes, it's probably best if you don't use that name unless we're alone. If you say it while we're in the middle of fight I might forget what I'm doing," I confessed, almost embarrassed by the incredibly physical reaction I had to Fenris saying my name aloud. I shifted my weight from foot to foot, squirming.

To my utmost astonishment, Fenris actually chuckled. He reached out and cupped my cheek, leaning in close to whisper "Eleri" against my lips before he claimed them in a searing kiss. I melted against him, forgetting what I was doing with my hands, forgetting nearly everything save for the feel of his mouth against mine. I'd wanted this for longer than I was willing to admit.

I whimpered when Fenris ended the kiss, his hands dropping to unfasten his pants. I pulled away and watched in wide-eyed anticipation. He slid them over his hips and down, small clothes and all, with practiced ease. My gazed followed his movements, enrapt, as the rest of his almost feral beauty was revealed. I think I may have forgotten how to breathe for a moment or two.

"Oh yes, a waste of a perfectly handsome elf," I remarked, repeating the words I'd said to him when we'd first met. Fenris smirked, obviously catching the reference.

"I'd like to touch you. Should I avoid the lyrium markings?" I tilted my head to the side, studying the pattern the markings made, figuring out exactly how much tanned flesh I could safely get at. It pleased me to see that his cock was lyrium free.

"You may touch me wherever you wish," Fenris replied.

"Are you sure? I don't want to hurt you." Fenris seemed to appreciate my concern for his well-being, because he gave me a small smile and picked up one of my hands to place it palm first against his chest, causing my fingers to settle across several lyrium lines.

I'm not sure what either of us was expecting, but it certainly wasn't the way the lyrium glowed brighter or the way my fingers started to tingle. We both gasped and I started to draw my hand away, only to have Fenris capture my wrist. "Do not move it," he commanded. I immediately stilled, searching his face for any signs of pain.

His eyes closed and his brow furrowed again. "Touch me," he insisted, his voice almost strained. I wanted to ask if he was sure, but knew he wouldn't have asked if he wasn't. Fenris never did anything by halves.

Tentatively, I traced one of the lyrium lines swirling over his chest with my fingertip, feeling the way the skin felt slightly raised, gasping again when its subtle glow grew a fraction brighter and my finger started to tingle from the tip down through my palm as if I had been zapped by a tiny amount of lightning. Much like the after effect of one of Merrill's spells.

I looked back at Fenris' face to find him gazing intently at me, his lips parted, his breathing ragged. My own breath quickened in response. Grasping my other hand about the wrist, Fenris pulled it down to his cock, eyes fluttering closed again when I took the initiative to wrap my fingers around the hard shaft, caressing it slowly.

I soon gave up trying to coordinate my hands, one on Fenris' chest with the other wrapped around his cock. Dropping the hand from his chest to his hip, I decided to explore the mixture of lyrium and skin with my lips and tongue instead, making it easier to keep pumping the deliciously hard flesh in my other hand. Whenever my mouth made contact with his markings it tingled, and my desire for Fenris grew. I could barely hear the shallowness of Fenris' breathing over my own.

I had great plans to take this slow. To explore every luscious inch of Fenris' body, to drop to my knees in front of him, to cant my eyes upward and watch his reaction as I took his cock in my mouth, to lick it from root to tip before I lowered my mouth over the head, to swirl my tongue all around the shaft before I swallowed him down, to taste his very essence. Oh yes, I had great plans for all the things we were going to do before I took him to my bed and let him make me scream out his name as he took me.

Except I was absolutely and unbelievably ready for the screaming part. Now. Judging by the way Fenris' hands were gripping my backside, I thought he was feeling the same way.

"I think bed. Bed would be good," I suggested, amazed at my ability to string words together to make a complete sentence. My skin tingled, my head buzzed, and all I could focus on was the sound of Fenris as he struggled to breath – or maybe that was me.

"Yes," he rumbled in return, pulling me the short distance to the desired piece of furniture and pushing me down upon it. I scooted back against the pillows, waiting for him, one hand skimming over the contours of my breast, pinching at the hard nipple I found. I inhaled a shaky breath at the myriad of sensations flowing over my body and pooling low in my belly.

Fenris snarled, there was no other word for it, and stalked onto the bed after me, pushing my hand away and replacing it with his mouth. When his teeth bit me, albeit lightly, I moaned loudly. "Please, Fenris," I pleaded, needing him inside me.

He lifted his head, our eyes meeting, and I swear I saw a flash of uncertainty. I remembered what Fenris had admitted about not letting anyone too close, of not remembering if there had ever been another woman in his life.

"It's alright," I found myself saying as I urged him to lay between my parted thighs. I reached between our bodies, took his cock in my hand, and guided him to my wetness. "It's alright," I repeated. "Whatever you need, whatever you want," I assured him and let go of my hand, arching my back as Fenris sheathed himself inside me.

Fenris cursed in Arcanum, something I couldn't quite make out, not that I would have understood regardless. All his markings were softly glowing now, and the tingling was filling me as completely as he was with each hard thrust. I suspected this first time wasn't going to last long, but I was beyond caring, considering how I already teetered on the verge of my own climax. Our rhythm was frantic and unsophisticated, but regardless we were both groaning and clawing at each other, trying to find a means to get closer than we already were.

"Hawke… Eleri… I'm going to come soon," Fenris panted, the words sounding forced, almost painful for him to speak.

It took my pleasure-soaked mind a few seconds to comprehend. I clutched him tighter, nodding. "Me, too," I whimpered, my body already aching with the need for release.

"May I?" Fenris asked, and the way his voice sounded was unlike anything I'd heard from him before: insecure, unsure, and ashamed.

I placed my hand against his cheek, making him meet my gaze. We were still moving together, but it felt like time had stopped, holding its breath, waiting for me to answer. "Of course," I said, caressing his lips with my own, trying to give him the reassurance he needed.

Fenris trembled in my arms as we kissed. I felt him withdrawing from inside me, and wrapped both my arms around him, hands pressing against his upper and lower back, trying to keep him anchored to me. Fenris lifted his head, his eyes searching my face. "But I thought you just said…"

"Inside," I whispered, heat rushing to my cheeks. "It's okay. I can't…" Please don't make me say it and just trust me, I pleaded with my eyes.

Fenris' mouth claimed mine in a rough, ardent kiss, and it was as if some last tether holding him back was severed. He surged against me and I cried out, head thrown back, as he thrust over and over, harder and harder, driving us both toward the pinnacle. His lips glided over my throat, teeth raking against sensitive skin. When his mouth clamped down over a spot at the base of my neck and bit, my back bowed and I came, body shuddering uncontrollably as I nearly screamed, caught up by the intensity of pain and pleasure. I was dimly aware of Fenris groaning deeply, his own body jerking in climax as his cock pulsed inside me.

The tingling subsided when Fenris slowly withdrew from my body, and the noise of disappointment that escaped my lips made him pause and smile gently down at me before he continued. I turned on my side to watch as he sat up, his back to me. I couldn't resist stroking my fingers across his bare skin, watching as his markings came to life under my touch. This time, Fenris flinched.

"They hurt, don't they?" I quietly asked.

Fenris shook his head and I sighed in relief. I sat up, tracing my hand upward along his spine, leaning forward to place a kiss against the nape of his neck. "Then what is it?" I wondered.

"Do you wish me to stay or do you wish me to leave?" Fenris queried, his tone oddly neutral considering what we'd shared moments ago.

Curling up behind him, I pressed my breasts against his warm skin, my lips skimming over his neck until they grazed the point of his right ear. Only when he responded with a sharp gasp at the unexpected pleasure did I answer him. "I never want you to leave, Fenris," I said with more honesty than I had intended.

I hadn't anticipated the way my words would affect Fenris; I simply wanted to be truthful with him. He quickly turned around and grabbed me by the shoulders. "Do not trifle with me," he growled, naked fury on his face.

"I'm not," I calmly replied, despite my rapidly beating heart. "As I asked before, have I ever lied to you?"

"No, but you cannot know what you are saying. What you are offering," he pointed out.

Now it was my turn to be angry. "Oh, I think I do. I have just asked one of the grouchiest, broodiest men I have ever met to stay with me always. I do believe that means I have some inclination of what I'm both saying and offering. Whatever happened to you in your past…it won't change how I feel about you."

Fenris looked stricken as I spoke, and I cursed myself for admitting my feelings. It was too late though, and I wasn't about to pretend I hadn't said it.

"You have no idea what I have lived through," he stated.

I nodded in agreement. "You're right, but that doesn't mean I'm not ready to listen."

Fenris shook his head, pawing a hand through his ruffled hair. "You do not know what it is you ask for."

"I'm not asking for every detail of your life before we met, although if you wanted to tell me, I would gladly listen," I said.

With a sigh, Fenris bowed his head, his hands dropping from my shoulders. "Very well. If you wish to ask me questions, I will answer them."

I brushed the knuckles of my hand lightly over Fenris' cheek, and leaned in closer to gently kiss his forehead. "And I make the same pledge. Whatever you want to ask, I will answer." When Fenris lifted his head again, I smiled, hoping he believed me.

"Why don't you ask me something first," I offered.

The expression on Fenris' face softened as the anger bled away completely. "Perhaps we should get more comfortable before we start sharing our darkest secrets," he suggested with a faint smile.

"You just made a joke, didn't you?" I asked, returning the smile without realizing it. We made ourselves comfortable against the pillows and under the blankets, and I was delighted when Fenris drew me against his side with an arm wrapped around my shoulders. I nestled against him, feeling warm and, amazingly enough, happy.

"I may have," Fenris replied. "Now then, I believe you said I could ask anything I wanted, yes?" I nodded, surprised that I wasn't feeling apprehensive.

"How often have you done…this?" he asked.

I didn't understand the question at first. Then it dawned on me. "Oh, you mean bed someone? Would you believe me if I told you that it's been three years, and before that it had been almost another year?"

"Your answer is unexpected. You are, after all, a beautiful woman, Eleri," he murmured.

"Mmm, but I do love to hear you say my name, and that you think I'm beautiful," I sighed, and was rewarded with another of his small smiles. "Is it my turn now?"

Fenris nodded. Like me, he didn't look at all apprehensive, but I couldn't help notice there was a growing tension in the air. I hoped I wouldn't ask the wrong thing and drive him away.

I tried to think of how best to ask what I wanted to know, then it occurred me that Fenris had already given me the opening I required with his own question. I licked my lips unconsciously, summoning the courage to finally ask, "How often have you done…this?"

He blinked back at me. I could see he was puzzled by what I asked, but I knew how brilliant he was and simply waited for him to glean my true meaning. He grunted when he did, then sighed. "I have already confessed to you that I do not remember ever being with a woman before now. But…that isn't what you're asking. Therefore, the answer is never before with a woman that I am able to remember, and…several times with a few men." He paused before saying 'several,' and that alone told me what I had already suspected about the abuse Fenris' suffered at the hands of his former master. To my credit, I kept my seething anger tucked neatly away. I didn't want Fenris mistaking it for anything else.

"Are you disgusted?"

"Excuse me?" Clearly I had missed some vital piece of information somewhere. "Am I disgusted by what?"

"That I have had sexual relations with men," Fenris clarified.

I quickly shook my head. "Um, no. I'm not. Are you disgusted that I've slept with women before?" I countered.

I really liked being able to surprise and sometimes shock Fenris. "Oh. I didn't realize," he mumbled.

I grinned at him, immensely pleased with myself at that moment. "Your turn."

Fenris muttered in Arcanum. Something unflattering toward my teasing I suspected. "In Trade please," I requested, trying my best not to laugh. Fenris shot me a dour look. "Very well. Do I know any of the women you have slept with?"

Oh, I knew where this was going. "You want to know if I've had sex with Isabella, don't you?" I didn't wait for him to nod. "The answer is no. As much as I love our Rivaini, I think she needs more platonic friends. Not that she hasn't tried. Numerous times. Although you may know the last one I slept with, that is, if you're familiar with Athenril."

I think Fenris was catching on to fact that I was thoroughly enjoying my ability to shock him, because he did his utmost best not to look at all bothered by my revelation. Although his jaw did twitch slightly. I would mention that tell to him later. "Athenril was the one who paid for your entrance into the city, was she not?" I nodded, and it was my turn to be surprised that he knew that bit of information. "She seems pretty enough. Was it anything serious?"

"Not at all. I had been working for her for maybe half a year. We were both drunk the first time, and it had been a while for me, as I'd mentioned before. We were lovers for just a couple of months," I responded. "You know, that means you've asked more than one question. Means I can ask more than one, too."

Fenris conceded with a brief nod, and again I felt that tension. "Okay, rather than ask more than one question, I'm going to ask one that you might not want to answer. If you don't, just say so." I waited for him to nod again before continuing, "Why did you ask me if you could, you know, come?"

To his credit, Fenris didn't flinch, although he did stiffen next to me, his arm rigid around my shoulders. "Ah, yes, that. As you can imagine, slaves are not allowed many freedoms. My master controlled all aspects of my life, including my body. And, as you already know, I have little experience, that I remember, in this particular kind of situation," he said, eyes focused on some spot across the room.

"Yes, I can imagine, and I admit I hate him very much because of it," I grumbled, visualizing all the ways I could make Danarius suffer before Fenris finally ripped his heart out.

Fenris shifted beside me, his arm relaxing again as he pulled me closer. "You should see the look on your face. Remind me never to make you truly angry."

"I doubt you could ever make me that angry. For the record, you never need ask permission again. And if you ask me 'for what', I'm going to hit you," I threatened.

Fenris chuckled. I was becoming addicted to that deep, throaty sound. "Very well, it's my turn to ask something you may not want to answer. As you said to me, if you do not, just say so."

"Fair enough. Ask away." I pretended not to be nervous, but I was.

"After I asked for your permission, you told me it was okay and that you can't. What are you not able to do?" Fenris questioned.

Now it was my turn to stare off at some spot on the wall across from the bed. "I am unable to have children, and I didn't want you to worry about that happening. A few months before Ostagar, I took an arrow through my lower belly. We were trailing after some bandits, and they managed to ambush us. We weren't close to the main camp, and it's not like most groups have a mage who can heal trailing around with them. Only had a few potions. By the time they got me back to camp, the healer was unable to repair the damage completely. I guess I was lucky to even be alive." I shrugged, trying to make it seem like it didn't bother me anymore.

"I am sorry," Fenris softly replied, his words spoken genuinely and without the pity I usually received when I did tell anyone, which wasn't often.

"My mother doesn't even know. She has this grand vision of my getting married and carrying on the Hawke/Amell family line. I didn't have the heart to tell her that hope likely ended when Carver died," I admitted.

"Is that why you have yet to marry?" Fenris asked.

Damn, he'd caught me off guard again. Despite it not being his turn to ask a question, I answered him anyway. "I suppose that had something to do with it. That and I never saw myself as the marrying kind. I'm good at fighting. Good at killing, if I'm honest with myself. What more is there?"

Fenris made some sort of noise of agreement. "We are more alike than I knew," he said. "Have you never been in love?"

"Wow, you really are getting into this question thing. Decided to stop holding back, did you?" I complained without malice. "Maybe I should just tell you my whole sordid history and be done with it. Then, if you ever remember yours, you can do the same someday."

Beside me, Fenris shifted. "If I have somehow offended you, I apologize. It was not my intention."

With a sigh, I shook my head. "No, you haven't offended me. We agreed to be honest and open. So here goes…" I sat up straighter, ducking out from under his arm so I could face him more fully.

"When I was about seventeen, I met and fell for a nice farmer boy who lived just outside Lothering. We were young, stupid, in love I guess. He wanted to marry me, but his father didn't want the daughter of an apostate bringing her cursed blood into the family line, so that was that. His name was Rhodri, and he was my first."

Fenris covered one of my hands with his own, and I turned it up so our palms could make contact. I sucked in a breath at the now familiar touch of lyrium against my skin. "Eleri, you do not have to continue," he assured me.

"No, it's fine. Kinda cathartic to tell someone everything," I acknowledged. "Anyway, you know about the first. The second happened with I was nineteen. Berik was a handsome guard, and probably the reason I decided to join the army later on. Didn't love him. No, he was strictly about the sex, and he was very good at it. Isabella would have been proud." I chuckled self-consciously, my cheeks heating.

To his credit, Fenris just did that half-smile thing I now adored, but didn't comment. Clearing my throat, I continued, "So yeah, Berik next. He stayed in Lothering for about a year. He taught me a few things about using a sword, and no, that's not meant as a bad pun. He was good to me, and while we didn't exactly fall in love with each other, we had a great mutual respect. I don't think my father liked him very much, and my mother was disappointed when he left without proposing."

I held up my free hand, wiggling the first two fingers before holding up a third. "Number three happened nearly three years later. Hmm, I must like the number three, it appears to be a trend. That would be Jared. Another soldier I met after I'd joined the army. I suspect he loved me, but he never said as much. I may have been in love with him, but I wasn't sure, and then it didn't matter." I hadn't thought about Jared in years, and certainly wasn't expecting the wave of sadness that washed over me.

Sensing the change of my emotions, Fenris distracted me by stroking his hand over mine. I closed my eyes briefly, willing away the sting of unshed tears. "What happened to him?" Fenris quietly asked.

"Remember those bandits?" I waited for Fenris to nod, then gave him a small, sad smile. "They succeeded with him where they failed with me. And that… was the end of number three." It was a poor attempt at humor, and we both knew it.

A fourth finger was added. "Marta was the name of number four. One of the healers who helped me. She was lovely and sweet, and reminded me that I was still worthy of affection. It's amazing how even though I hadn't ever thought much about having children, when the option was taken away from me, I mourned it with all my heart and soul. I felt incomplete and almost useless. Marta patiently showed me that wasn't true. I will always treasure her for that." Just thinking about her smile made me feel better.

"Did she die at Ostagar?"

"I believe so, but I'm not sure. My only concern after the battle was finding my brother and getting home to my family. I've always hoped she made it out alive, but I know her chances were slim." I raised my thumb and held up all five fingers. "And that brings us to what you already know, or rather who – Athenril. Number five."

Fenris seemed to be lost in thought for several moments. I wondered what he made of my little tale. If he thought less of me for the number of lovers I'd had. If he even cared. I wanted to believe it was the latter. As judgmental as he was about certain things, namely mages and magic, I'd never heard him berate people for how they chose to live their lives. If so, I suspect Isabella and he would argue the way he and Anders always did.

"That makes me number six," he confirmed, and I nodded. "And the first man you have bedded in over four years." I hadn't really thought of it like that, but I nodded all the same.

"Thank you, Eleri, for allowing me the pleasure," Fenris said as he lifted my hand to his lips, brushing a kiss across my knuckles. His eyes, so green and so beautiful, watched me closely. Unconsciously, my mouth parted, a soft wisp of breath escaping. I knew, without a doubt, the time for talking was over.

Fenris pulled me into his lap, kissing me senseless, making me forget about anyone but him. I doubt he was jealous of numbers one through five, any more than I was jealous of anyone he'd been with before me. What I felt for his former master certainly wasn't jealousy. No, that was pure, unadulterated loathing.

I came to realize over the course of the night that Fenris' intent was to make me feel wanted, special, treasured, and adored. He murmured my name over and over, stroked and kissed every inch of my skin, called me beautiful in both Trade and Arcanum – I made him start translating – and gave all of himself to me without reservation. In return, I gave all of myself to him, returning each caress and word, minus the whispering in another language. When we finally slept, I did so in the protective circle of his arms, feeling truly content and at peace for the first time in several years.

Then I awoke, and the fantasy we had so carefully built was abruptly razed to the ground.

The sun was just coming up when I stumbled into the Hanged Man. I nodded to whomever was tending the bar before trudging my way up the stairs and into Varric's suite. Not surprisingly, the dwarf was still in bed. No doubt he'd been up to all hours gambling, drinking, and writing. I stood at the foot of his bed and choked back the sobs I had been barely managing to control since Fenris had left.

"Who's there?" Varric demanded as he sat up suddenly, blinking his eyes rapidly in effort to clear the sleep away and determine who was in his room. "Hawke?" he asked, staring at me in disbelief.

I managed to suck in an unsteady breathe and nod.

"Shit, what happened? Sit down before you fall down." He patted the open side of the bed beside him. I took a few jerky steps in that direction and did as he suggested, kicking off my boots so I could swing my legs up onto the bed and stretch out beside him, my hands folded in my lap as I stared down at them.

"Alright then. Care to tell me what brings you here for a visit this…" Varric glanced up at one of the high windows and squinted before continuing. "…early morning?" His voice had taken on that soft timbre that he reserved for whenever he was trying to patiently explain something to Merrill. It was very soothing, I realized.

"Fenris… he came to me," I managed, pleased I didn't sound like I was going to burst into tears. The way Varric reached over and gently grabbed my hand suggested otherwise.

"Normally I would be cheering, considering the way he's been staring at you for the last year. Well, I guess I should say the way you've both been staring at each other, but I'm guessing things didn't go according to plan?" Varric prompted.

I quickly shook my head, wiping away the tears. "No, we did have sex. Talked. Had more sex. Talked again. Slept for a little bit…"

Varric held up his hand to stop me. "I get the picture. More so than I wanted," he mumbled. "So what happened after all that?"

"He left me," I whispered, shame lacing my words. Varric leaned in closer and squeezed my hand. I gripped his tightly, and started shaking my other hand as I continued. "I woke up and he was dressed. He said he'd remembered everything after we...you know…but then he forgot what he remembered which upset him, and that it was all too soon and too much, and he just wanted to be happy, and then asked me to forgive him right before he walked out." The words tumbled free, almost slurred together. I knew I was rambling, but I was helpless to stop.

"Blighted shit of an elf," Varric cursed. "You do realize he loves you, right Hawke?" he asked, making sure that I met his eyes by sliding his fingers along my chin and turning me to face him. "He just hasn't figured that out yet and he's confused."

"He's confused?! It's not like I have a lot of experience with being in love myself," I groused.

"None of us do, maybe that's why we're all here together," Varric thoughtfully surmised. "So what are you going to do now?"

I shook my head. "I don't know. I'm so blighted tired I can't think straight. Maybe I should take the hint and just forget about him. Unfortunately, that's hard to do when I'm already in love with the idiot." I sighed heavily. "What do you think I should do?"

Varric smiled softly. "I think whatever you do will require a lot of patience when it comes to our resident Angsty Tevinter Porcupine. But right now I think you should get some sleep before you make up your mind. C'mon Eleri, be a good girl and get into bed, sleep, and things will hopefully be clearer in the afternoon."

I made a face at the use of my given name, but didn't argue. With Varric's help, I crawled under the covers and curled up beside him, his arm around my shoulders. "You know I love you, right?" I murmured. "And I promise Bianca I mean it in a strictly platonic way."

Varric chuckled deeply. "I love you too, Hawke." His lips brushed the top of my head as I nestled against his warm, fuzzy chest. "Now get some sleep. Things will sort themselves out, I promise."


End file.
